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…absorbing what I can…

21 Sep

Kuwait is still months off, yet I find myself walking slower, breathing deeper, and watching intently, to all the things that make up my daily life in the States.

Walking to my little, starting to rust kia spectra. The car who has gotten to and fro these last 7 years. I notice the small scrapes on the trunk, put there by Meshari helping pack after my freshman year. Something I haven’t thought about in years.

Or how the leaves are just starting to change, the smell of fall is approaching. Not yet here, but it’s coming. And I miss it. I miss it while it is still in my presents, while I know I will be able to enjoy it for months, yet I miss it. How can I miss the Fall, when it isn’t even here yet? I miss apple pie and I haven’t even baked any yet? How can I miss the color of sky when I get to see it everyday? And yes the color of the sky is different in Kuwait. It isn’t the pure clear blue we have in western NY. The night sky, stars…I’ll be in a large city while I’m there…

I will miss being able to understand everyone around me. Being able to read everything.

I don’t want to say I’m struggling with the concept of leaving. I feel as if I’m struggling with my unintentional want to absorb everything. My want to bring these memories with me. Every smell, every color, the voices of my friends, the spaces I have worked, maple trees, my mom’s poppies, even Canadian geese, and those guys can be huge assholes! But I’m watching them, how they move, how their feathers fit so perfectly together, or when they hiss their necks swell up and their tongues curve to the roof of their mouths. Why am I so focused on these fine details?

I feel as if I am in overdrive while in slow motion. As if I am walking through molasses…I’m gathering and gathering…

If I am working in my office, as soon as I hear someone in the hall, I focus on their foot steps, their faces. These faces I have seen for years now. I know what they teach, I know their laughs, hell I know how some of them like their coffee! It’s like my mind needs to double check everything and file it away. Everything is distracting, but it’s not…or I feel as if it isn’t. I have this overwhelming feeling that the details are so important.

I feel connected and disconnected all at once.

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The clover is growing very well this year at my parent’s house… I suppose a positive note is my photography is becoming more driven because of this disjointed, vast focus. That’s the best way I can describe it…a disjointed vast focus.

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